Montessori Newsletter
Volume 1
Published by Montessori Homeschool

Archive of Montessori and homeschool e-mail newsletters for parents, teachers, homeschool, toddler, preschool, elementary

Alternative Expressions!  “Because I Said So!” by Kristan Leatherman
Homeschool Montessori Sites and Links
Montessori Home Journal

Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids: Practical Ways to Create a Calm and Happy Home  by N. Drew "This great book provides parents with great tools that will enable them to commit to a truly peaceful family and a more peaceful world."--Anita Arnold, M.S.W., Family Therapist

"Because I Said So!!"
by Kristan Leatherman

How many times have you made new years resolutions that you didn't
keep? For example the resolution that you were not going to do or say the
same things your parents did or said, and then POW! out it comes? You
can hardly believe you said it, but you heard it and your child heard it ....
maybe for the umpteenth time??!! Here's a list of the five most often
repeated expressions we try not to use with our children, but sometimes
do, and some suggestions for alternatives.

" When I was your age..."

"When I was your age, I only had _____________ and look at all you
have! And you say you are bored??".
"When I was your age, we walked , rode the bus etc., but you expect
me to take you everywhere!"
"When I was your age..." well you get the picture...just fill in your
own blank.

The problem with "when I was your age" is that it serves no purpose other
than to cause the child to feel guilty. It is not directed toward engaging the
child in solving the problem; it only serves to make the child feel bad for
being the recipient of a parenting style over which the child has no control.
The child isn't thinking "when I was your age"; he's thinking "I don't exactly
understand this, but I am being given a reason why I have it so much
better than my parents...".

Alternative: Drop the expression "When I was your age" altogether.
We've ruined that opening as an opportunity to share our experience with
our children. When your child has an experience, positive or negative, and
shares it with you, listen carefully to him and then take that opportunity to
share your own. "That reminds me so much of the time...Things like that
have happened to me too..." or, "We did similar things back when I was
growing up..." Try dropping the "when I was your age" and see if you
reduce the number of times the eyes roll upward with that "here we go
again" look.

"If everyone jumped off the cliff, would you do the same?"

While the words you are saying are "if everyone jumped off the cliff..." the
child is thinking, "What on earth has that got to do with what I just said or
did?"

Alternative: Rather than exaggeration and the sarcasm of "If everyone
else"; consider facing the problem directly and being honest about it. For
example, if your child wants to go to a movie that you don't approve of
and counters your disapproval with "but everyone else is going," why not
respond more along the lines of the following: "I can understand why you
would want to go, particularly since some of your friends are going. But as
we discussed the other day, that is a movie we as a family do not approve
of because it promotes values that we believe are disrespectful. So the
answer is 'no'. "

Or, "The reason I am saying 'no' is because I do not believe that what you
are asking to do is in your best interests. When you are ready to discuss
this respectfully, I will be happy to share my reasons with you."

"When you live under my roof , you'll do as I say."

The child is thinking.... "That's your roof. I didn't know that and
furthermore aren't we living in a whole house not just under a roof?" This
kind of sarcasm belittles the child, and is a direct challenge that invites
confrontation. It's also an example of how not to use one's power.

Alternative: Sarcasm teaches little more than how to be sarcastic back.
Consider this as an opportunity to explain calmly why you are asking the
child to follow your plans . Better yet make them a part of the
management of the household at family meetings and they will be more
likely to remember why something has to be the way it is.

"No one ever said life is fair."

And the child is thinking: "Thanks for the empathy. I already know life isn't
fair. I'd just like a little support here."

Alternative: If you think about it, fairness is really a feeling. What is
important to one person may have no relevance to another . I see this in
the classroom when it comes time to serve a treat. Some children notice
an inequality and others do not, not because the portions were unequal
(which by nature they usually are), but because some children noticed and
others didn't notice or care.

Feelings are unique, non rational and deeply personal. If I feel sad or
angry or jealous or whatever, I do not appreciate someone discounting my
feeling by minimizing its importance. "No one said life was fair" does just
that.... it discounts the feeling by minimizing its importance. A more
effective approach would be to validate the child's feeling first. Then open
up an opportunity for problem solving: "I can understand why you might
feel that way, and I share your wish that things would always work out
fairly. It is too bad that that is not always the case. So how can we make
the best of the situation now?"

"Because I said so!"

"Because I said so" is direct, forceful and expedient which is why we use it
so much. Quite simply, it's easy. But it doesn't teach anything, except that
authority comes from power rather than right. If we overuse it, we run the
risk of raising children who come to identify authority with power, rather
than identifying authority with what is right. Given some of the power and
persuasiveness of TV, peers, gangs and cults, it is probably better to take
the time to use every opportunity we have to communicate to our children
that the source of true authority is right not power.

Alternative: Resist the impulse to say "Because I said so." Instead try:
"Because it is the right thing to so." The former communicates that the
reason we do one thing rather than another thing is because someone
more powerful than us is telling us what to do. The latter communicates
that the reason we do one thing rather than another thing is because of it
intrinsic worthiness or correctness. In other words, because it is the right
thing to do.

There are other expressions you may recognize like "you made your bed
now you lie in it," or "Stop your crying or I'll really give you something to
cry about!" or" Do as I say not as I do" ... but you get the drift .... and it
still tends to drift into our language with our own children despite our best
intentions. So, when you can, show some empathy, be willing to explain
reasons, avoid sarcasm and listen. Great lessons. Lessons that point to
changes we are challenged to make in ourselves if we want to see changes
in our children.

And therein lies one of the simplest (not easiest mind you) rules of
parenting. If we want our children to change we need to lead the way with
changes in ourselves. If we want to develop and shape the lives of our
young people, than who else has to develop? US! Dropping the clichés
our parents used is a wonderful measure that change is possible...

By Kristan Leatherman, of SOLUTIONS FOR PARENTS, a personalized
coaching practice supporting the everyday challenges of parents,
415-924-6563. Special thanks to Mike Brock from Empowering People Inc. for
his ideas and excerpts for this article.
Copyright 1997-1998 Montessori de Terra Linda. Please send email to
mailto:admin@mdtl.org if you would like permission to use all or portions of this article.
This document provided by Relevant® from Ensemble Information Systems.

Browse the Books for Parents Room!
 

Homeschool Montessori Sites & Links

CHILDREN NOW, http://www.childrennow.org
Children Now is a nonpartisan, independent voice for children, working to translate the nation's commitment to children and families into action, mailto:children@dnai.com
1-800-CHILD-44

 HomeSchool Dad Magazine (http://www.acsol.net/hsd/index.html). "Hey all you dads out there. Here's a site dedicated to educational adventures for dads and kids."

"For Kids and Home Education Enthusiasts! (Especially eclectic and self-directed learning advocates) Discussion Boards and More!" http://www.kaleidoscapes.com/index.html

 MONTESSORI METHODS http://www2.netcom.com/~cristiw/montessorimethod.html
Great Montessori resource links and stay at home support! "I am a stay-at-home mom. Check out my credentials at the White Family Homepage." mailto:cristiw@ix.netcom.com

SASSAFRASS GROVE http://www.angelfire.com/mo/sassafrassgrove/index.html
"ART · HOMESCHOOLING · PEACE" (and lots of great homeschool links!) mailto:mcuhouse@nemonet.com
 

Montessori Home Journal

John Chattin McNichols,
   What is Montessori,http://www.amshq.org/mont.html
Tim Seldin,
    Montessori at Home: Making room for children in your home
    and in your life,  http://www.montessori.org/library/monthome.html
NAMTA Common Misconceptions about Montessori education,
    http://cybergate.net/~mashani/miscon.html
E. Mortimer Standing, Maria Montessori, An Appreciation
     http://transporter.com/mcc/Essay01.htm,
A poem by Marti King If You Can Remember
    http://www.montessori.org/ifyoucanremember.html
 

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